you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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