he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
