Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
