I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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