I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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