Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
