So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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