I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
