Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
