Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
