don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
