You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
