First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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