The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
