i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
