im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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