Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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