She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
