this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
