i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
