Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I would ride that face into the sunset
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
