this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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