id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
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