I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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