You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm going to jail i love you
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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