I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
