So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
