I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
