I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
