I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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