that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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