Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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