I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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