Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
