To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
