Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
