i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
