Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
