The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
it glows. i had to have it.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
