I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
