All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
