I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
