There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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