i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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