I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
do nipples grow back?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
