I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
