there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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