i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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