I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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