I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
